The Devil Must Love Your Hat

Perhaps the surest sign of the Apocalyse is the newest trend in headwear: The “Pan-Logo” Baseball Cap (pictured below)



What are you trying to say when you wear a cap like this? Is your message, “I love baseball!”? Or maybe, “I love baseball, but not quite enough to have a favorite team, and if I do have a favorite team, I’m too much of a pussy to upset people who don’t like my favorite team.”? Maybe you also own a black magic marker, and when the playoffs begin, you black out all of the logos of the teams that didn’t make it, and then you continue to black out teams as they are eliminated, until, lo and behold, you’re wearing the cap of the winning team! Good for you, you dithering prick.

The reason that you represent everything wrong with society is because you have no opinions, you have no sense of right of wrong, you want everybody to be your friend, even though in truth they are nothing like you. Cultural relativism, defined by my linguistics professor as “I’m okay, you’re okay, pass the bong,” is your raison d’etre. In other words, you live to please everyone else.

What wearers of this hat fail to realize is that every inclusions is an exclusion. When you make a lame attempt to include everyone, you end up excluding everyone instead. By wearing a Yankees logo, you exclude the Mets and Red Sox fans. By wearing a Mets logo, you exclude Yankees fans. By wearing a Royals logo, people know you’re a fucking idiot.

The boldest leaders and the brightest intellectuals have one thing in common: they challenged the status quo. You, on the other hand, Mr. “Pan-Logo” Baseball Cap Man, root for the status quo. By wearing a Mets cap, I upset people; but I am willing to do this for the sake of showing some loyalty. Further, a logo is meant to be an identifying mark, like the uniform colors an army wear. When I see a fellow Mets fan, I feel a sense of identity with him. Who do you feel a sense of identity with? The sport of baseball? Maybe you’re hoping Bud Selig (the commissioner of the MLB) will see your hat, and say, “Hey, wow, you like every team?! You should come work for me!!”

However, even Bud Selig does require, I believe, a backbone if you want to work for him. So, you’re out of luck there too.

On the other hand, I will tell you some professions that probably love you, however: sales people, politicians, drug dealers and Satan. Most of us, when deciding which vacuum cleaner to buy, listen to each sales pitch, but then challenge them to figure out which one is really the best. You, on the other hand, probably buy every vacuum cleaner pitched to you, in order to not offend anyone. When a politician knocks on your door, or appears on your TV, you probably eat up every word they say. And whoever has the last (but not necessarily the most persuasive) word, well, they surely have your vote. And when the drug dealer or Satan come along, well, I’m sure you’ve picked up on the pattern by now.

My quirky, most likely pedophilic, 9th grade history teacher once said, “A compromise leaves two people unhappy.” Your hat, on the other hand, leaves everyone but you unhappy. Progress is founded upon new, unique ideas. Your “pan-logo” hat, however, champions regress.

As a loyal Mets fan, I thought that the worst thing in the world was a Yankees fan. The only thing worse, I now realize, is a Yankees/Red Sox/Mets/Mariners/Brewers/Nationals fan.