Time to Start

This summer I am taking a month off. Why? Because I came to the realization, about two months ago, that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. It was really shocking, although it shouldn’t be when you’re only 20 years old.

I have thought, since my freshmen year of high school, that I wanted to be a rabbi. For those of you who only know me post-high school, my freshmen year I was in a big car accident, and was essentially paralyzed for a week or two, and spent a few months in rehab, until I got back to where I am today. I viewed this as nothing short of a miracle, and thus, it was my responsibility to spread that feeling of miraculousness to everyone I knew.

[NOTE: In this entry (and subsequent entries) I am going to lay it all out there. I am going to be brutally honest with myself, and with everyone I know. If you don’t want to read this, don’t, it won’t hurt my feelings.]

Now, I know what most of you are thinking already. You’re saying, “Adam, there is a time and place for honestly, and even though a journal is (supposedly) personal, it is still a public venue." I say, “Fuck that.”

The problem is that not enough people are honest with eachother (Screw spellcheck, I think eachother should be one word, since it implies a singular relationship). Of course, there are limits. I’m not going to put anything on here that would embarrass someone else. I’m not here to hurt anyone, I’m only here to begin to figure out where I’m going, and I can’t do that if I continue to hide behind a veil of flirting, lies, and flattery. If you want to know what I think of you, ask me--I will tell you.

I figure, disingenuousness only hampers progress. If I spend all of my time flirting with you, or on the opposite end, sending little snide remarks that intimate that I don’t like you, we’re just going to spend a great deal of time in limbo. For me, and I’m sure for you, this is no fun. There is an endpoint to flirting and insulting, and what the hell is the point if we never reach it? I don’t want to stay up all night wondering what you really think of me. So fuck it, I’ll tell you, and most likely, after I do that, I’d bet you’ll tell me.

The reason for all of this? Because too many people live their entire lives on some linear track that was set in motion at an early age, i.e. inheriting a parent’s business, or going to a college because their father, grandfather, and great-grandfather went there. Life is comfortable on this track, because there isn’t really any friction between them and their circumstances. But then, they wake up one morning, on their 49th birthday, and realize that they’re not happy. They like their wife, but it could’ve been better. They like their job, but there is something else out there that they would’ve preferred to do. But it’s too late. Too many people would be hurt if they made a radical change now.

That’s why I’m starting now. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life, and the only way I’m going to make any progress is if I’m honest with myself, and with the people who know me best. Right now, I’d like to be either:
a) a fisherman,
b) a writer,
c) a professor,
d) a wall street whore, or
e) a script supervisor.

I don’t know anything else—even the things many people think they “know.” I don’t know where I’d like to live, I don’t know what I’d like in a wife, or even what qualities I life in girls, or friends for that matter. And I suspect that you don’t know these things either. You’ve been told certain maxims that sound nice. You like to quote movies and songs, but you don’t really know if that’s what you think.

I’m going to wrap this up, since I don’t want to ramble too much. There’s a lot more to come. If you care, you’ll learn a bit about me. But maybe you’ll also learn a little something about yourself, too.

Despite all of the uncertainties posed in this entry, I do know one thing: You have an opinion about what you just read; but will you be honest enough with yourself to share this opinion?